Inner Sacred Union and what does it mean to be feminine?
For the last few months my process/soul and the Divine have taken me on an accelerated initiation journey into the grounds of sacred union, starting with the inner one. It feels to me that sacred union is deeply connected to the inhabitation and embodiment of your full gender expression where all your parts and soul aspects express in it and are being impacted by it, one way or another. It also pushes up a lot of layers in the emotional body to feel with parts and soul aspects to prepare you for a true sacred union that is supportive, based in love, goodness and good will to navigate the bliss and the mess together.
My desire for sacred union has been activated a little less than 1.5 years ago with a sudden and deep crush on Shawn Mendes who had become a favourite singer of mine. It was like he activated my Inner Queen/Lover, my Inner Teenager/Child and also my priestess/soul to come forward in different ways in response to him, his innocence/purity, his King, his genuineness and his heart. It was an intimate and deep surrogacy to have this inner process and also one that needed to run its course with my Inner Teenager/Child as well as my priestess aspect as they tended to have crushes on men that were not actual mate potential. It was safer that way, and that was needed and okay for as long as it was. It has also served me as a way to let go of my draw to younger men that has been a relationship pattern for me as well and got me ready for the desire and intention for a man my age.
My last relationship ended almost five years ago and I have been on my awakening journey since and solely focused on my own healing and my inner process and didn‘t have the capacity or desire for one. Going into so much of my shadow these past few years have changed me profoundly and irreversibly and have brought forth a whole new ME. That Me now has VERY different needs and conscious criteria for a mate than the Me from back then who made quite unconscious choices.
That desire for sacred union kept unfolding in my consciousness/awareness, heart and soul over the course of the following months, and I have been feeling consciously every step of the way. It pushed up a lot of shadow within myself to be with and reconcile. I worked with my Inner Masculine at the time as well as with an energy that carried my birth name as I went by ‚Bey‘ for a while to be able to differentiate the two consciousnesses more.
The most significant aspect that came forward was my Inner Ursula, which is an aspect we work with in our SoulFullHeart process that is a shadow feminine expression and feels like a matriarch energy that can be very punishing and disempowering towards the Masculine, as my Inner Masculine has experienced from her and it can also overflow toward the outer Masculine, which it definitely did in my past relationships. Without that dedicated connection with her for a few months and really feeling her judgments with her, where they came from, what they really meant and transmuting them with her with love, compassion and understanding, that energy would still be an undercurrent expression in any relationship that I‘d have now.
Another significant soul aspect that got pushed up through that desire and masculine activation on the outside too a few months ago has been a priestess aspect. That aspect feels to have been with me for all of this life and has been an undercurrent expression of my femininity and has influenced how I experience the Masculine and romantic relationships.
She experienced a deep loss in her Magdalene timeline, so deep that she had to immerse completely into the matrix experience as she couldn‘t bear the profound grief of this loss and in many ways became an Ursula expression too. She became a very independent, self-sufficient, self-reliant and industrious energy that was more masculine feeling in many ways and who didn‘t need or want a man in her life. It feels like she either drew invulnerable relationships or sexual encounters through that trauma or was pushing the Masculine away entirely and judging him.
Connecting with her over the past few months and feeling with her the frequencies of Roman invasion/persecution, rape and the violent death of her beloved mate has slowly opened her up more to my heart, my inner Masculine‘s heart and her own. Through that deep trauma a mechanism got put into place where goodness, love and joy would not be let in and actually shielded from coming into my heart and hers and turned into physical pain (migraines), fear and judgment instead. A fear reaction to goodness.
Over time she got to trust me more and my Inner Masculine too as I have been working with both aspects simultaneously . Through my desire for outer sacred romance, both aspects got pushed up by the Divine and illuminated to see and feel everything that needs to be felt for them individually and as a couple too.
My Inner Masculine who is also tuned into my soul, has had his own share of trauma and distrust of the Feminine that he has been holding. He is particularly tuned into and concerned about all my metasoul brothers in other timelines who have had very scary and threatening experiences with the shadow Feminine. And then there‘s his experiences with so much shadow feminine expression this life as well, inside of myself represented in parts of me and on the outside too, with different kinds of Ursula energies that disempowered and emasculated him greatly.
He also has had intense reactions to goodness coming in, not trusting it and responding to it with intense fear and physical body pain expressed mainly through migraines too.
So it has been no small feat to connect with my Masculine consistently and with a lot of compassion and understanding in my heart, to get to know him, earning his trust over and over again and deepen in trust together. We had many morning check-ins where I would just be present with my heart and all my feminine love and care for him and my desire for him to feel truly empowered and to feel his divinity and vastness again. It took time but consistent love, care and boundaries too have helped him see the true me, instead of the matrix feminine versions he has been used to, and feel my deeply caring heart. It has cracked him open and disarmed him, over and over again and so we were able to deepen in our connection together and our love for each other. He tenderly, somberly and genuinely recognized one day that I‘m a good woman (his words) and he decided he could trust me and really let me in and be let in by me.
The courtship/mateship between him and I has been incredibly sweet, deep, profound, real, genuine, vast, romantic and steamy/passionate too. I have been swooning over my Inner Masculine and really fell in love with him and he claimed me as his Feminine as much as he could do that and let in in every moment. This is a process that is deepening ongoingly.
These profound movements for my Masculine have had a deep impact on my Inner Feminine, currently represented in my priestess, as well, as both are inextricably connected with each other, even if they think they are not. There is a flowing infinity sign between them and they are forever connected with each other, even if they can‘t see or feel it at times.
My Masculine‘s movements pushed up my Feminine‘s desire for a heart connection with a masculine as well as sacred sexuality that she had lost in her lifetime and then shut down since. It pushed up her capacity for sacred sexuality and kundalini flow that, through the rape, got highjacked and turned into something twisted and dark that became a sexual preference for her that wanted to be expressed and exchanged outwardly too in the past.
Through my Masculine‘s heart movements and my priestess‘ corresponding movements, they both got together for the first time and started feeling and helping each other. Sometimes there were projections onto each other, then I was feeling through them with both and being with those projections for as long as they needed to be there until they were able to be seen, recognized and let go of. Every energy/frequency needs to run their course inside and be felt and savoured to the fullest until it is complete and the transmutation process is complete.
They got to know each other and were holding space for each other, yet also recognizing when they need to pull back in their energy and let the other be with themselves and hold their own process. There was a lot of yummy sacred sexuality between them as well and such a sweet realization of my Masculine that she is his and he has been in awe, wonder and reverence of her since.
My desire for an outer Masculine also pushed up a part of me that felt shame around her body and awkwardness in relation to the Masculine, the unclaimed and uninitiated Daughter inside that never got claimed, seen and watered by my birth father. That used to be another pattern in the past as well, a crushing on men who never claimed me, never saw me and never could let me, my heart and my bigness in, which was all rooted in how my birth father was relating to me, or rather lacking to relate with me.
Currently I am also feeling my Inner Child/Starseed/Divine Orphan aspect again that I haven‘t really paid much attention to in my process over the years as there were so many parts and aspects that presented with such urgency and intensity and took precedence. Now she is coming forward, pushed up by the kundalini rushes through my body, wanting to partake in them as well and the joy, love and trust that has been moving into my being. She has been needing deep feeling of her and how she has always been alone in all her experiences this life. She opened me up to the reality that we do not take children very seriously most of the time, whether they are inside of us or outside. I had to admit that I had put her on the back burner for a long time, that she deserved more and that she is important to me. That would be an undercurrent hurt energy that would be in the space with a mate as well in past relationships and would express as not being able to talk with men as well as feeling easily hurt/rejected.
To me, This is sacred union and sacred femininity from the inside out. Working with your Inner Masculine and the feminine parts and aspects of you who are more like masculinized feminine energies and don‘t allow for intimacy with a mate and are programmed to push it away. Underneath it all though, is their longing to belong to the Masculine, lean into him and be in exchange with him as the real Feminine knows that is where true and profound magic happens.
To me, it feels like sacred union is about working with all your parts of yourself, feel them and their pain and integrate them back into your being, so as much love as possible can be transacted in the bond and all your parts are leaning into YOU and feel loved and safe in your heart.
The gifts of working with these aspects has been a coming online of the vastness and expansiveness of my soul, a profound kundalini awakening expressed in rushing surges through my body, loosening my mind and sparking my sacred sexual flow with all of life and a deepening connection with the Divine. The kundalini energy feels like pure love pulsating through my body and I get to experience myself as pure love living in this vast cosmos. There were days were I had been so altered, I could barely do daily life, forgetting PIN codes for my bank card and feeling that excited love rush in my body felt like I could fly. Yet it is all grounded in the many years of shadow work I have done and thus in a solid core Me.
I have been receiving and exchanging sacred sexual energies through Yeshua who so embodies the sacred masculine mate/beloved and my Inner Masculine has been received by Divine Mother that way too which was yet another precious moment to witness. She wanted to feel him that way as this unique masculine he is with all his experiences that are unique to him. She felt him as her equal and worthy of her and she wanted to be forever changed by him, that is why she offered him an energy exchange in that way. My Masculine was receiving that with humble worthiness and both have been changed irreversibly through that experience together and got to see and experience themselves and each other in new ways.
Those lush and deep inner sacred union grounds between me and my Inner Masculine, between my Inner Feminine and my Masculine, between me and the Divine and between my parts and the Divine feel like the groundwork, template and precursor for an outer sacred union. As I am with my own Inner Masculine sets the template for how to be with the outer Masculine and how he is with me and my Inner Feminines will draw the same in an outer mate. The Inner Masculine resting and revering the Inner Feminine and not guarding/protecting/defending or being in a trauma response feels important too to be able to transact love frequencies with a mate on the outside.
In response to the Masculine entering the SoulFullHeart room now through men‘s calls and sessions as well as through more personal connections and exchanges with some of these men, a new feminine energy is coming up and out. It feels like a sacred feminine lover aspect that truly loves and cares for the masculine and wants and needs him in her life and is ready for it. My heart and soul know that I can‘t grow without an outer Masculine any more or in isolation and that a sacred union is required now to grow and see myself in all the ways I‘m meant to and only He can make me see myself and him too. I‘m ready and desire to be seen and known by a man on the outside and feel everything that pushes up and brings out inside of myself in response to him.
The outer Masculine brings something new out in the Feminine that she can‘t feel and experience without him and it is desired! Both need each other in order to experience the full range of themselves, to get to know themselves even deeper and more intimately than ever before and awaken to the full range of expression of their being. Sacred union and sacred sexuality are deeply spiritual and bring you closer to yourself and the Divine. The opposite gender brings out all your insecurities, fears, hurts and rejection wounds and it feels like you are completely naked. It is very vulnerable ground to enter. Yet now that feels like a good thing to me while before that would have terrified me.
An aspect that popped up in response to the outer Masculine has been a new Gatekeeper who feels like she is deeply connected to the sacred union energies, codes, couples and mates and is holding important codes to download for me going forward. There is a vast cosmicness to her and she feels like a combination of stardust and deep sacred union love. All that kundalini love flow and the reflections of caring, deep, multidimensional and conscious men catapulted her out of her fusion to the priestess/rape timeline and catapulted her back into her essence, which also has a waiting maiden quality to her and felt really sweet to feel in my last session together with Raphael. Through her I can see and feel he vastness of the cosmos within myself, me being part of it and me being it too. I have felt and seen supernova like explosins inside of myself on many days and a bursting with love for everything.
There is also a new sisterhood forming between her and I and between her, my priestess and I that I have not felt on the inside before yet. A high vibrational, supportive, appreciative and compassionate sisterhood that is reflecting the outer one I have with Kasha, Raianna and Jelelle too. This sisterhood piece with my sisters on the outside and community in general has been another important piece to prepare me for sacred union. Voicing needs, moving through tensions together and coming out the other side closer and more intimate has built trust towards relationships and has created a new relationality with others for me.
I am feeling a deep matrix clearing through the healing kundalini rushes and a body upgrade too. It feels like a clearing on a cellular clearing where my default reactions to life this life and from my soul too are coming up and out to be felt and released, life long body pain and emotional intensity leaving my field too. I have been feeling a revealing of more and more of my true feminine essence and qualities and really landing in them, inhabiting them, claiming them and embodying them. I am coming into flow, collaboration and responding to situations and energies at hand in the moment and being in flow with all of life. I feel a landing in deep divine trust and connection, which feels like is the other side of the same coin and all that darkness, suffering, pain, tornness, fear/anxiety/panic/terror and depression I have been feeling for a big part of my life.
There is a default negative lens dissolving that would catastrophize everything and make everything into something not good, even when it was good. The deep polarities inside are coming together and being balanced and held in that vast container of Divine love and trust and thus losing their grip and dominance. Life can be filtered through that new lens now.
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Picture is of us with new arrival Nick who is such a natural addition to our sisterhood and community and who even feels like he was missing in many ways. He anchors something in as the Masculine that was missing before. His and Kasha‘s sacred union also represents so much hope, possibility and a template for how this could work for all of us going forward. Thank you Nick, for being here!
Love, Bianca ❤🌹
